The rollercoaster and the screen
During the cold winter days, I stare at my computer screen, protected by the cool AC and the interior of all these man-made walls around me. Sometimes I wanna break them, make them all disappear but then I think how cold it would be. I digress… Happy that I have a new coat; random thoughts without connection flow in my head. I try to focus on the screen, it’s there but I’m not really seeing it. Well, I am but not with the eyes, I would like to. Yes, they are my eyes but I’m not really there. I see myself from far, in the third person. I see someone, sitting in a fairly straight posture, but not too straight, pretending that he is happy with what he is doing. I float around, still from far, and stare at that someone from behind the screen. I see boredom in him and what boredom that is … I then refocus, first-person again, need to get some work done. I derive some vague satisfaction from it but it quickly fades… I lack stimulus and there is nothing new for me here - all the stuff on my screen just looks blank and empty to me. The brief connection I made with myself starts to crumble again.
Suddenly, my phone vibrates, my attention is captured. A text from the one I love - serotonin rising, adrenaline pumping, I feel awake. I decide to stand up and make tea, an excuse to hide and secretly respond. I don’t have to respond but the excitement is too great and I want to. She brightens my day like an emotional rollercoaster and for that brief moment of bliss I can’t see myself from far, I feel whole again. We briefly chat and time flies … all until the pressures of society make me get back to the screen. After all, it makes me money somewhat, isn’t that what most want, a material reward for their work? I guess most … I don’t like pretending to be different but I feel so. Sometimes I loathe the society we have built but what would I be without it? I try to find distractions in my thoughts but the screen drags my hours. Like a puppet, I finish some of my tasks while I sip on my tea, and I almost feel productive.
In these moments of boredom, I eagerly await another text, another dose of her. I’ve always hated rollercoasters but I’m happy to ride this one. A break from the monotony of the work that I once (briefly) enjoyed and which quickly lost its feeling of novelty. This rollercoaster is different, it feels infinite, and I don’t get enough of it. A coworker asks for my help and I put on the persona, that “other” while I watch from far. But the other is me and I am him. I feel enclosed in this strange trap. For most, I should just be happy with what I have but I feel almost neurotic as I overthink… The long day goes by and I ride the train home. In these train journeys of introspection, I sometimes write away my thoughts. I feel liberated somehow but tired, and she is far away from me.
Realizing my own space and time have fully been warped, I get home, slowly open the door and go to my room. Still overthinking, still frustrated, still tired. I watch the clock tick with its constant rhythm without doing anything. Until, as if the forces of nature knew I needed it, the phone rings and she is calling. We talk for long, I laugh, she restored my lost faith in love. The happy moment brings me clarity and a sudden energy grows inside me - I ride her rollercoaster again with a huge smile on my face. The clouds gone from my mind, almost as if I had meditated, help me reach that final thought: it is time to change my screen.